i remember when i was in primary school,
i used to have a diary with that lock at the side.
and in that diary, it will be full of my "deepest & darkest" secret.

i remember when i was in secondary school,
i used to have a diary which was actually just an a'zone notebook.
with the cover i decorated & my secrets were written through lyrics of songs or maybe poems.

i remember when i was in pre-u,
i used to have a diary which was actually a sketch book.
my secrets were told through phrases i thought of or just doodles/drawings to show my feelings.

i remember when i started working,
i used too have a diary which changes each year.
but this time the only secrets written in it were appointment dates & time for work purposes.

it was also when i started working, i got used to bottling up my feelings. because showing my feelings at that time was a sign of weakness. because the first full time job i had actually requires me to be in charge and "stable". even when stress built up, i was not able to "blow up" because i am in no position to do so. i need the volunteers to respect me as a staff of that organisation. even when i feel like crying, i just brush that feelings aside and continued on doing my work.

& because of that, i feel safer in this little bubble i've blew for myself to stay in. where my feelings are rarely made known.

many times fadzli's been telling me that i should not bottle up my feelings. its not healthy, he said. i guess maybe because he has seen the bottle my feelings been stored in burst due to holding on to more than what it could.

trust me, i've tried.
but everytime i try not to bottle up my feelings & express myself, i screw up.
and that feeling just suck. =(

of late, i've been doodling, again.
and it takes my mind off things for a little while.
maybe i should consider having a journal back in my life.
because like how it was during my schooling days, my journal would be the only place i trust enough for me to safekeep my feelings.

Labels: rambling, random thoughts