ouh god. i realise i've been blogging a whole lot these days.
i read a couple of dr. phil's articles.

seriously, who does not know dr. phil mcgraw?

so this article i read by dr. phil is on how to fight fair. thought i'd share it with you.
oooooooo.
while i was reading this article, i was actually listening to class95's love song. & those who listen to this show will know yasminne have different topics she talks about every night. so coincidentally, she was actually discussing on the same topic i was reading, on how to fight fair.
andandand, get this.
she was actually discussing on dr. phil's article too.
because seriously, if you were to google on this topic, you have like so many different articles but we were actually doing on the exact same article.
cool or whatt.

anyways, back to topic.

arguments are inevitable in rships. i think everybody knows that. no matter how you try not to argue, sooner or later arguments are bound to happen. & it is said that arguments actually keeps a rship healthy. because by arguing, you correct things that are wrong.

but how do you argue? & why do you argue?
do you argue with the intention of hurting the other party?
do you argue with the intention of wanting to be in control of the rship?
do you argue with the intention of wanting to correct things that are wrong?

i think in general, people would say that they argue because they want to correct things that are wrong. but if that is true, do you take time to listen to the other party? or do you actually argue by asking the other party to shut up & just listen to you?
if its the latter, you're just hurting the other party & being a control freak.

anyways,
here is 7 pointers to fighting fair in the rship.

1. Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

- emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse, in my personal point of view, not only to children but adults alike. physical abuse may leave a scar, true. but that scar may be gone in time to come. but emotional abuse leaves a scar that can never be removed. it is the most damaging abuse that can ever be done to a person. if you really love a person, never abuse him/her emotionally. he/she can cry but seriously, once you start abusing someone emotionally, how much exactly can you do to make things right? you're pissed, why dont you just have a take-5. cool down before talking to your partner. isolate yourself from your partner. let the kids sleep before discussing, with no shouting involved.

2. Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

- i think the only reason how this could happen is because there is no "closure" in the topic. ensure that you have closed the topic proper. talk about a topic till it is "closed" proper. it is really no use if to one party, the topic has been closed but to the other, it has not. thats a win-lose situation. talk until both parties reached a mutual understanding that the topic has been settled.

3. Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

- name calling is very hurtful, especially the person whom you love do it. being mad at the other party does not give you an excuse to start your name callings & cursing, especially when the other party does not "join" you in the name callings. but seriously, a normal human being would retaliate with name calling too. if he/she does not "join" you in the name callings, DO NOT continue. because not only do you hurt him/her with your name calling, you will get hurt too when she/he retaliates. & when you get hurt when she/he start calling you names, think about how you hurt him/her with your name callings too.

4. Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

- find the root of the problem. work around it. talk about it. arguments happen due to miscommunication most of the time. so communicate. TALK & not scream/shout to your partner. LISTEN & not hear what your partner is trying to get across. if you think you cant do all that when you're pissed, take a break. wait till you cool down!

5. Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

- rship is not about competition, its about partnership. whats the use if in the end of the argument your partner admits defeat. so does that mean you win in the argument? ok, maybe you won in the argument but you lose in the rship. because if you insist that your partner is 100% wrong in the argument, the bad feelings will surface eventually. you rship will be strained. in an argument, no one person is 100% wrong. it takes 2 hands to clap. that phrase does not only applies in your rship but also in arguments. if your partner apologises, accept it. do not respond to the apology by telling him/her that he/she is the cause of the argument 100%. you too, in one way or another, play a part in the cause of the argument.

6. Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

- true. express your unhappiness, without getting angry. but if it is done repeatedly even after numerous times you voiced out your unhappiness, then it just shows your partner is taking your patience for granted. everybody's patience has its limits. once that limit is crossed, you will snap. if he/she is still doing all that even after you snapped, then he/she must either be blind or just plain stupid.

7. There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

- get it over & done with. talk about it. do i really need to explain this point?

* article (in bold & italic): here

Labels: article, love, rambling, random thoughts, relationship